Dear Homeless Woman Who Asked Me For $3000 On The Subway

Word Count – 540

Lady, I admire your gumption.

You were not the only beggar in the station that day, but you were certainly the one driving the hardest bargin. I’ll be honest, I was a bit taken aback when you first posed the question to me. I even made a motion towards my wallet, which I’m sure you saw. I imagined for a moment that I was actually wealthy and crazy enough to afford such an expense, before suddenly realizing that, in fact, I was not. Quickly putting my hands back to my side, I politely told you no, but it was said in a way that it had never been said before and has yet to be said again. Gone were the usual lies and apathetic tones detracting me from the person propositioning me. For once, I did not have what you were asking for, and I desperately wished that I did.

There have been countless times when other homeless people have asked me for “a dollar” or “anything you can give me”, but you, stern and defiant, were sure of yourself and dropped all the formalities. A dollar was not going to help you. You were covered in a filth that dollar store soap was not going to fix, so why bother asking for something that is not going to fix the problem? Homeless people don’t need loose change, they need cold hard cash for first and last months rent. They need at least three grand to even begin getting their shit together.

It had never dawned on me how right your were to approach me in the way you did. I admire a staunch realist who sticks to their ideals in a crisis. One has to assume you did the math in your head, and concluded that it was worth the time and effort to ask the same number of people for three thousand dollars than it was to ask them all simply for one. Surely a massive portion of them were going to ignore you outright, but on the off chance that just one eccentric millionaire was riding the subway that day and took a shine to your spunky negotiation skills, boom, you’re all set!

Your condition reminds me of the desperate middle aged men in clubs and bars all across the country who ask every woman they meet to have sex with them. Even if 99% of them scream “rape!” and run away, every so often they beat the odds and trick some poor woman into copulating with their sad, delusional bodies. If you have anything close to the success rate and the tenacity that these men show, I’m sure you’ve since met your goal and are no longer the Shelley “The Machine” Levene of public transportation.

I will never claim to know what it is like to be homeless and at the end of my rope, but I would like to think that if life handed me the shitty end of the same stick you held, I would do as you did and play the odds. You never know when you might meet someone as crazy as you.

– J.D. Renaud

Kidz Korner – Democracy

Word Count – 830

Hey mom and dad! Sit the kids down at the computer and let The Placeholder educate the fuck out of them! Today’s topic, DEMOCRACY!

What is democracy?

Democracy (DEH-MOE-CRA-CEE) is how all good countries work. It is what we like to call the process of, or, in a way, the ‘sport’ of running a country. You know how when you jump into a pool and splash around in a circle your mom and dad call it ‘swimming’, even though you didn’t even stay afloat or move anywhere? Well, when countries do that, its called ‘Democracy’.

Our country runs on what is called a ‘Democratic System of Government’. This basically means we talk about things we are going to do as a group before we go do them. In a democracy, the people get to choose who leads them, and those leaders get to decide how all the country people’s tax money is spent, what countries are bad, and who gets to go to war to become heroes.

In America, the people are lead by The President, and he (or she, but most likely he), is elected by the people by voting in elections, which usually take place in the back of high school gyms, and not a lot of people show up. Most of the time, not everyone chooses the same person to be The President. In fact, a lot of the time, it is less than half of the people who voted. The rest of the people who wanted another person to be The President may not listen to what The President has to say, and will in fact do the exact opposite of everything he says. These people are called “Senators” and “Congressmen”.

Is it like how mommy and daddy run our home?

Unlike your family, where your mom and dad are sort of like Presidents and you are little senators, if you decide you don’t want to do something that they tell you to do, they can force you to go to your room with no dinner. In a real democracy, this is called “false imprisonment and torture by starvation”, and the person who did it to you would go to jail. Your mom and dad, however, will never go to jail for doing this to you. This is because your mom and dad do not believe in democracy. They operate under what we like to call Fascism (FAA-SHIZ-EM). Make sure to tell them that the next time they try to make you eat squash or cauliflower again. Yuk!

Is it like how teacher runs the classroom?

Your teachers may tell you that the classroom is a democracy, but once again, they have lied to you. Lied right to your face. And they will keep doing it, too, so keep your heads up on that one. Your teacher may put you into groups and force you to share your crayons with the kid who hogs all the good colours for himself. In a democracy, you would be allowed to file a “Proposition” (PRAW-PO-ZISH-ON), signed by you and the those in the class who agree with you, that the kid who hogs all the good colours should only get yellow and white crayons, since nobody uses those ones anyway, and because he smells. But again, just like how you did not get to vote for your parents, you also do not get to vote for your teachers, either. Lame, I know. Since your teacher will not accept your propositions, and will force you to share the crayons anyway, this is also not a real democracy. This is called Communism (KOM-YOU-NIZ-EM), and communists don’t believe in anything that makes perfect sense, no matter how many smart people tell them that they’re dumb and don’t get how the world really works. However, the good news is if you tell a policeman about your teacher, and you use the word ‘communist’, if you are lucky, in a few days you might discover that you will get a NEW teacher. Try it!

Where have I seen democracy in action?

Most of you won’t see or experience real democracy in action untill you get older and start learning about real big kid words like “Bankruptcy” (BANG-KRUP-SEA) and “Statutory”(STA-CHEW-TOR-EE). Come to think of it, you may be too young to have even seen a real democracy in action yet. Although, have you and your friends ever been playing in a park, when one of you finds a dead raccoon in a bush? And your friend dares you to touch it, but you don’t want to? And then your friend asks all your other friends if they should put it to a vote, and even though you still don’t want to touch it, all of them say you should? So you end up touching it and have to stay home from school for a week because you start getting dizzy and your poop turns red? There you go. That’s democracy in action.

Proposition Nixon – 001

Word Count – 650

In 1974, after the pardoning of Richard Nixon, an unknown senate delegate proposed a proposition to strike any and all record of the Nixon presidency from public record. Furious anger at the mere proposal of the proposition led floor delegates to add nonsensical and irrational riders to the bill, rendering its passing impossible and irrelevant. For nearly four decades, Proposition Nixon has been the longest running inside joke on the senate floor, with new amendments being added to it to this day. When interviewed, all representatives thought to have contributed to its creation deny any knowledge of its existence, many claiming the pages leaked to the media  are fraudulent at best and treasonous at worst.

These are those pages…

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3.

Am I Right, Ladies?

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