Kidz Korner – Democracy

Word Count – 830

Hey mom and dad! Sit the kids down at the computer and let The Placeholder educate the fuck out of them! Today’s topic, DEMOCRACY!

What is democracy?

Democracy (DEH-MOE-CRA-CEE) is how all good countries work. It is what we like to call the process of, or, in a way, the ‘sport’ of running a country. You know how when you jump into a pool and splash around in a circle your mom and dad call it ‘swimming’, even though you didn’t even stay afloat or move anywhere? Well, when countries do that, its called ‘Democracy’.

Our country runs on what is called a ‘Democratic System of Government’. This basically means we talk about things we are going to do as a group before we go do them. In a democracy, the people get to choose who leads them, and those leaders get to decide how all the country people’s tax money is spent, what countries are bad, and who gets to go to war to become heroes.

In America, the people are lead by The President, and he (or she, but most likely he), is elected by the people by voting in elections, which usually take place in the back of high school gyms, and not a lot of people show up. Most of the time, not everyone chooses the same person to be The President. In fact, a lot of the time, it is less than half of the people who voted. The rest of the people who wanted another person to be The President may not listen to what The President has to say, and will in fact do the exact opposite of everything he says. These people are called “Senators” and “Congressmen”.

Is it like how mommy and daddy run our home?

Unlike your family, where your mom and dad are sort of like Presidents and you are little senators, if you decide you don’t want to do something that they tell you to do, they can force you to go to your room with no dinner. In a real democracy, this is called “false imprisonment and torture by starvation”, and the person who did it to you would go to jail. Your mom and dad, however, will never go to jail for doing this to you. This is because your mom and dad do not believe in democracy. They operate under what we like to call Fascism (FAA-SHIZ-EM). Make sure to tell them that the next time they try to make you eat squash or cauliflower again. Yuk!

Is it like how teacher runs the classroom?

Your teachers may tell you that the classroom is a democracy, but once again, they have lied to you. Lied right to your face. And they will keep doing it, too, so keep your heads up on that one. Your teacher may put you into groups and force you to share your crayons with the kid who hogs all the good colours for himself. In a democracy, you would be allowed to file a “Proposition” (PRAW-PO-ZISH-ON), signed by you and the those in the class who agree with you, that the kid who hogs all the good colours should only get yellow and white crayons, since nobody uses those ones anyway, and because he smells. But again, just like how you did not get to vote for your parents, you also do not get to vote for your teachers, either. Lame, I know. Since your teacher will not accept your propositions, and will force you to share the crayons anyway, this is also not a real democracy. This is called Communism (KOM-YOU-NIZ-EM), and communists don’t believe in anything that makes perfect sense, no matter how many smart people tell them that they’re dumb and don’t get how the world really works. However, the good news is if you tell a policeman about your teacher, and you use the word ‘communist’, if you are lucky, in a few days you might discover that you will get a NEW teacher. Try it!

Where have I seen democracy in action?

Most of you won’t see or experience real democracy in action untill you get older and start learning about real big kid words like “Bankruptcy” (BANG-KRUP-SEA) and “Statutory”(STA-CHEW-TOR-EE). Come to think of it, you may be too young to have even seen a real democracy in action yet. Although, have you and your friends ever been playing in a park, when one of you finds a dead raccoon in a bush? And your friend dares you to touch it, but you don’t want to? And then your friend asks all your other friends if they should put it to a vote, and even though you still don’t want to touch it, all of them say you should? So you end up touching it and have to stay home from school for a week because you start getting dizzy and your poop turns red? There you go. That’s democracy in action.

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